Tips on Supporting a Friend Through the Loss of a Loved One

Unless you have been through a huge loss there’s a good chance you don’t know how to support someone else through it (and that’s totally okay).

Weeks ago I went through the hardest experience of my life watching my aunt — who was like a second mom to me — slowly taken by cancer over an 8 month period. My heart actually broke a little bit and it still hurts every day. I realized I was sad or sometimes even angry at how my friends’ responded or the lack thereof. Then I realized it wasn’t their fault and everyone comes from a place of love…I just realized perhaps they didn’t know how? I know I certainly didn’t.

The things is, no one really knows what it’s like until they go through it, too. All I can say is that it’s super important as a friend to respond, because that’s what friends are for. Losing someone that you love a lot is hands down the most isolating thing in the universe — and everyone grieves differently — but I wanted to share a few learnings. I asked two friends who lost their dads in the past six months to contribute their recommendations as well; here’s what we came up with & we hope it helps.

Just show up

During this time of grieving, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to reach out to people when I need support (I don’t know how to reach out because I don’t even know what to say). As a friend, if you want to do something, like come over to the house, don’t tell me you are going to come by — just show up. Especially at the beginning. If I don’t want you there you’ll know. Also, bringing something from a cookie, to a coffee, to a silly trinket, can go a long way .

You can say it sucks (‘cause it does)

(I hope this isn’t misinterpreted). If you can’t relate to the situation of losing someone (I don’t recommend comparing your favorite family pet or your 97 year-old-grandfather you don’t know well but lost when you were a little kid), don’t try to. It’s really okay to just say, “This really sucks and it’s shitty and it is not fair.” In fact, sometimes if feels nice to hear someone agree with the way I’m feeling rather than telling me an unrelated story. In other words…

Don’t compare your loss to their loss. Or at least keep it appropriate.

I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s suffering to another. However, I had a friend talk about her break up with a guy she was dating for 3 months when I just lost my dad through a homicide and I was trying to keep it together. Now when my friend who lost her dad, empathized with me, I didn’t mind so much. Use your judgement, be aware. Every situation is different.

Check in.

It’s been 6 months to the day since my dad died and I still have a huge hole in my heart. I still get sad when I realize he’s not here, which is all the time. In the beginning, there was an overwhelming display of love and outreach from my friends (some that I haven’t spoken to in years), but now that time has passed, some friends seem to forget how raw everything still feels. Even if you don’t send a message saying “how are you doing?” hearing from both old and new friends who reached out previously, is a gesture I appreciate more than words.

Ask, “How are you doing?”

This question never gets old or annoying. It lets you know that the person is thinking about you. In fact, if you were to do it every single day it still wouldn’t get old or annoying.

Give in the way you know how (but make effort)

When you go through a loss like this, you feel like you’re drained and you feel at a loss for everything — comfort, happiness, finances, time, love. If your language of love is time; show up and spend time to listen, sympathize, and show compassion. If it’s in action, show up and help pack, cook, do errands, mediate crowds, and give rides, etc. If it’s words or affection, offer words of encouragement, whether it’s in a card, flowers, prayers, hugs, calls, or texts. If it’s gifts, donate what you can, send flowers, food, etc.

Don’t assume things about how people grieve

Some people will want space. Others will want people to reach out to them. You won’t know until you ask. Consider asking them. Most likely, the people who are grieving won’t be reaching out or calling. The nature of it is isolating, and this is the time to be reaching. If they don’t want it, they will kindly let you know.

Be understanding

Everyone deals with loss differently. The person grieving might not return calls right away or want to be in a large social group or go to a party. Or they might. Still, ask them anyway. If they are not up for it, just know you still asked them (which they appreciate) but understand that sometimes they might not always be in a social mood. Be gentle and non-judgmental.

Pick up the phone

When my aunt actually passed away only two friends called. Hearing a familiar warm voice on the other end of the line meant a whole lot more than Instagram posts, comments on Facebook and text messages. A two minute phone call or voicemail goes a long way. Also, when I would call some friends they wouldn’t pick up the phone and send a text back instead. I wanted to hear their voice and talk which is why I called. Picking up goes a long way.

Don’t ignore the situation

There’s nothing worse than sitting down with someone and having them not bring up or acknowledge the situation you’re going through. Talking about their new job transition and their mother-in-law is fine, but you should check in with your friend first. Feeling like they are avoiding the situation makes you feel like there’s an elephant in the room but you can’t talk about it. If it makes you uncomfortable you can be honest. It’s better than pretending it isn’t happening.

Know that your friend is still grieving, even if she’s smiling

Most of us are doing our best to get on with our lives and aren’t walking around with gigantic frowns and tears running down our faces. Just because a friend is laughing doesn’t mean she doesn’t still has a heavy heart. It helps to remember that she is probably still grieving and acknowledging that means that she doesn’t have to feel like hiding it. A simple hug and saying, “I’m thinking of you, I know it must still be hard” goes a long way.

The truth is, it’s a bit of a balancing act but being absent is the worst thing to do, even if it seems scary to show up. Your friend needs you most during this time and will be able to show up for you when you one day need it, too.

After my dad died one of my friends sent me a card with this Edna St. Vincent quote: “’My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends — It gives a lovely light’” — It’s kind of been a nice reminder about appreciating the people you love in life.

Thank you to the other contributors: Jane Chung & Lauren Jacks.