Part 2: What is Trauma, Anyway?
The dictionary defines trauma as a wound, shock, or injury, thus directing our focus onto the inner impact made by negative experiences. To me, it’s basically the painful stuff that happened to us in childhood that made a lasting impact on us.
What do we constitute as the negative experiences that shape our lives? I’m pretty sure we get a keen sense of them if we think back to our childhoods. Those times that felt life threatening, violating and where we were put into a place of division (could be divorce or affairs), abandonment, loss, isolation, pain and other experiences that generated a lot of fear and confusion for us. Simply put, situations where we didn’t feel safe. For some of us, it was all the time. For others, it was only for part of our childhoods.
It could also be alcohol and drug abuse, war, violence, sexual abuse, neglect, manipulation, control, physical and verbal abuse, screaming, extreme anger and rage environments, loss of a caregiver, or even intense caring for a caregiver. It could be subliminal comments from a parent about weight, appearance, belonging, criticizing, expecting perfection, shaming and many more.
Over time these situations and experiences can shape and form our reality, how we feel about ourselves and how we actually view and perceive the world. Humans are amazingly resilient beings and therefore we can do a good job of burying the memories or hiding them away as they were too painful. What we realize now is that no matter how much we try to ignore them, the fear and buried emotions around them can subliminally run our lives. These painful experience can very much shape the reality of our world.
Many substances help us avoid the dark feelings like drinking and drugs as well as addictions or distracting ourselves nonstop, perfectionism, extreme control of what we eat, anxiety, depression, inability to sleep, body illnesses, irritation, anger and many more tactics to get away from the uncomfortable memories. At the core of much of these distractions and numbing tactics lies the deep pain from our traumatic experiences. When we bring awareness to where the pain came from, we can begin to free ourselves and not have it have such a strong hold on us over time.
How does Trauma Impact Us?
So, let’s say you grew up in a household where you could never do anything “right” without getting yelled at. Or you had a parent that always promised you something but never kept their word. Or you were constantly shamed or told you had to be more of this or more of that. Maybe someone didn’t want you or wished you were a different gender or you were abandoned by or controlled relentlessly through others holding and wielding power over you. Maybe when you approached someone with a curious smile you were met with frustration and anger.
Think of all those experiences you had and the stories, beliefs and ideas they formed in your own mind about yourself and the world around you.
Every input and memory in your life that created fear, neglect and shame becomes almost a “reference” point in your body and mind and it lives on, breathes within you and drives you, whether you know it or not.
As you explore the world as a child you learn what is “right” and what is “wrong” and your brain sets those patterns to keep you safe. It’s almost like a roadmap forms with these different “points” and “traumatic experiences” to how your being collaborates itself in the world. Because of these interactions you form core beliefs and stories about yourself, which are really not true.
Children don’t know what’s true and not true. As a child we only want a few things; to feel safe, that we can trust our caregivers and to feel that they are happy. Even if your parents were loving to you but still screamed relentlessly at each other, that could form a painful “reference point”. Or perhaps you had a loving home but finances were the topic of every single hostile conversation. Another point. Maybe it had to do with something as simple as listening? When you spoke you were cut off or people just ignored you? The points form in our brain as patterns that can continue to repeat themselves throughout our lives. The brain likes to find things that are familiar and looks to our past experiences for how to handle situations.
The first thing I learned we have to understand is how trauma is at work in our lives. Then we can bring awareness to the patterns and stories that it convinced us were true (often with the help of a professional). Finally, through that awareness we can free ourselves from the past as we create our own new view of the world; based on the truth as opposed to fear.
This is a personal excerpt from a series and upcoming book about Venetia’s journey through her own “Trauma Recovery”. Check out Dont Marry Your Trauma and stay tuned. You can find Venetia on Instagram, LinkedIN and Twitter.
