Part 1: Don’t Marry Your Trauma: 15 Signs To Be Aware Of

Did you know that traumatic and painful experiences from our childhood can actually architect the reality we live in? As in shift our perspective of the world and how we show up in it? Crazy, yeah?! Often it dictates the way we actually make decisions (especially the big ones) and we can choose relationships that resonate on fear, low self-esteem and control. My hope is that bringing awareness to how trauma actually works can help us overcome making decisions from the ol’ trauma train.

How do you know if you might be in an alternate reality that could be veiled by unhealthy and unconscious belief systems and patterns? I wanted to share some “signals” with you that I found on my own journey.

15 Things to Look Out For:

1. You want it to feel right but it just doesn’t. Like, deep deep down. Do you feel a bit tense or have a low grade anxiety going? That may be your body communicating with you that something is not right. Nightmares? Please listen to them. Body pains? Tune into your body and see if your nervous system feels consistently safe. If it is push and pull or hot and cold or off and on? It may be more resonant on trauma and not healthy love.
2. You have to convince yourself a lot and you often find yourself confused by yourself. One moment you feel one thing and the next you feel another. Love doesn’t have to be that confusing (despite what we may be used to or think)! You should be able to be guided with certainty over confusion and ease over unease.
3. You feel subtly worse about yourself over time and aren’t sure why. You may also sense that your partner is “power playing” or acting out a part or role that is not authentic. At times, you can see through the cracks, only to forget them again. Your partner can even shift to fit into more of what you want them to be like a chameleon and you can sense it.
4. You’re a huge giver and the person you are with just loves taking and taking from you. Remember, takers often find givers. Often the giving is from a place of low self esteem which is not actually very healthy. You can find someone who gives and takes in balance, I promise. You can also learn to give from an abundant place and not a place that you just need affirmation.
5. You see that your partner’s words and actions do not align in other areas of their life. If someone is not in alignment they are not in integrity. Look at the actions playing out in their lives. If it’s happening in other areas of their life it’s likely it’s happening in your relationship but you may not be able to see it.
6. Your partner subtly plays on your low self esteem. They may make comments and disrespect you or remind you how lucky you are to be with them in weird ways. Listen, many of us have lower self esteem and it’s a way people can bait us. When people try to make us subtly feel worse about ourselves it’s actually just them exerting power over us (and we are unknowingly letting them)!
7. You keep getting ultimatums and pushed in certain directions subliminally or overtly. Often this can be coupled with strategies of manipulation and telling you what you should feel (even though you’re pretty sure you feel something else) but may not be able to really tell. Again! We are looking for certainty over confusion here. Ease over resistance. Ya feel me?
8. You overlook the red flags over and over. The mind is powerful and can convince you of anything. Remember the trauma reality? You may see a red flag and then convince yourself it’s okay or not important. Turns out, it is very important and those red flags are indicators waving to you and breaking through the trauma veil for moments at a time. Take a good look at them and maybe even write them down. Red flags are there for a reason!
9. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells because you never know how the person is going to react. This is common because if we had an explosive parent we may find a similar walking on eggshell feeling. How you show up may be subtly being controlled by your partner through their reactions.
10. Your partner does not take responsibility and always thinks it’s someone else’s fault. If we had a caregiver that didn’t take responsibility we may find a partner that does the same.
11. You feel like “time” is choosing for you over how you feel. As in, society tells us that we should be married or having children by a certain date etc. so we ignore if the person is right and focus on the timeline. Listen, there’s no perfect timeline. Would you rather rush down the aisle or be sure that the person you are marrying is the healthy person for you? When it comes to time, just take plenty of it and don’t be convinced otherwise.
12. You cannot effectively communicate with your partner without them becoming a tyrant, storming out, talking over you, slamming the door or making it your fault. Respectful communication is very important and some of us with trauma may just think unhealthy communication is how it has to be. Familiarize yourself with the work of John Gottman!
13. You feel like you are having to “Save” the person (ie: being the savior) or you have to “Show the person how great life is” when deep down nothing seems to make them happy. Hate to tell you but you cannot define their happiness because that has to come from within. Beware of the savior complex and be aware that you don’t have to live your life saving everyone.
14. You ignore key value alignments that are not aligned: sexuality and sexual preferences, finances, spirituality, family timing and more. The big stuff really matters so please talk about it. I know, it can be scary but when we resonate on trauma we often put our deepest needs and wants aside. The thing is, so much about relating is about timing and value alignment. Your wants and needs are totally valid.
15. You feel limited. Whenever you suggest expanding in some way for yourself, your partner tells you that it’s not for you or they get mad at you for doing it. Or they subtly control your choices and how you express you want to live your life. Partnership is about trusting one another to grow and expand in healthy ways without trying to control the other person. Pay attention to how many times you feel “limited” by your partner, which is often times just another word for control.

Okay! So there’s to name a few. Now… here’s just a few tips for starting to shift your trauma reality so you can invite in a loving and secure relationship not based on manipulation, control and pain.

1. Embodiment: Get into your body and the sensations of it. Yoga and dance can be great. Breath-work is also great. Many of us lose the connection with our bodies so we cannot hear or feel accurately. The signals your body sends you are like your antennas to the world. Your body actually knows best. You must bring your feelings and sensations back online so you can be guided by them. In every moment you will learn to be able to feel what is right or wrong for you. Even though it may feel scary to follow your body, you have to trust that it sometimes bypasses the mind with it’s wisdom. It can be the clearest voice of all.
2. Trauma Healing: Work with a professional psychotherapist (or other expert) to release and identify the traumatic experiences of your past so you can bring them into awareness and heal them, instead of repeating them. There are plenty of trauma release therapies (EMDR, EFT to name a few). Begin researching the different trauma healing professionals that can help you heal. Once you begin to understand how it may be acting itself out in your life you can become very empowered.
3. Awareness: Meditate. You must develop the ability to create a “pause” between your automatic responses to things (making decisions unconsciously) to have awareness of what decisions you are making and why. Meditation, over time, will help with this. It creates the pause and can override those healthy patterns that are engrained in us. You will be able to see through the “cracks”.
4. Education: Educate yourself on co-dependency, attachment theory and resources that explain how childhood trauma impacts our whole lives. There’s plenty out there in the realms of psychology and lots of methods to re-wiring your brain. Knowledge is power! The more you can see how trauma may be impacting you the more powerful you become to not being run by it. There’s videos, books and websites galore.
5. Self Love Journey: Fall in love with yourself and who you are, what you want and what you need. Get to know yourself more than you ever knew possible and accept all the parts of yourself. Trust that you can find someone who accepts you as you are, honoring your timelines, wants and needs. Be committed and convicted that your desires are valid and that you are fully capable of meeting someone where you are at. Choose you. Over and over again.

So there you have it. Just a few tips from a non-professional therapist on what I’ve observed in this process. I deeply honor the professionals in this space and so please just recognize these as my own opinions and experiences . In fact, if you do a simple google search you will be able to find plenty of resources on the matter.

I wish you the deepest blessings on your journey. You deserve the healthiest and most easeful love in the world. You just need to believe it body, heart and soul first!

This is an excerpt from a series and upcoming book about “Trauma Recovery” and the impact it can have in our lives. Check out “What is Trauma, Anyway?” and stay tuned for more. You can find Venetia on Instagram, LinkedIN and Twitter.